IT. HAS. BEGUN!
So many emotions at the moment! I was nervous for the training to begin but also equal parts excited. Now it feels like there’s no turning back, and I’m already in training mode! My mind has been occupied with my big “why.” Most long distance runners I have come across talk about the power of the “why” for marathon training. Not only to stick with it because it will surely test you, but also when you enter the pain cave and the negative self-talk begins.
Since I was a kid, big changes made me very anxious. It would usually show up as an upset stomach and crippling fear would overcome me. The kind that makes you feel, “I want this feeling to go away NOW.” I noticed this familiar anxiety would show up whenever my family would move, when I changed schools, when I had to present at school and well into adulthood. When I started my first job after high school, I cried and hated that I had to compromise my time with a job for school. (I just wanted to focus on getting good grades to guarantee my graduation). It felt scary to learn something new. I have always loved being a creature of habit. I’m a homebody, a hermit and very happy about it. I mean I wrote a freaking book about working from home. But I also now recognize how this has been a coping method to protect myself and remain in the “known" that feels safe.
March 2023 sketchbook
This year in particular I have really focused on my mental health more than ever. I took the time to truly find out what has been causing so much anxiety in my daily life. I was/am going to therapy and reading several books on the subject.
I think it went into full gear when I read Cheryl Strayed’s Wild. Why does it feel so cliche? Regardless, I can’t lie about this, this book really woke me up. I felt the same desire Cheryl felt to dig deep and find herself. I was deep in anxiety and was having a difficult time making time for myself. After I finished reading her book (and watching the movie on repeat for days on end) I urged Danny to come hike Mt. Lowe with me. I love that a book got me to go out and climb a mountain.
April 2023 sketchbook
After climbing Mt. Lowe, I was addicted. Feeling empowered by my body gave me a rush. I started thinking about how my body is always trying to communicate with me and I don’t always listen to it. And beyond my body, I have always had a difficult time believing in myself. For example, I didn’t believe I could actually be an artist full-time so I passed on majoring in Art and instead went with my second favorite art, reading and writing. It wasn’t until I suffered anxiety and intense panic attacks that I decided to quit my day job and go for it. It was and still is the scariest thing I have ever done. And I’m really glad I trusted my gut because I am happily a full-time illustrator that sometimes uses her English degree too :)
When I signed up for my first half marathon in 2021 I was terrified. I had never run farther than 8-10 miles in all my life. Crossing that finish line was one of the best days of my life. That’s why I keep racing half marathons. But now, I want to challenge myself and do a full marathon! Why now? Why not wait until I feel a little more stronger and faster? Because it feels like all year I have been preparing for this. The courage that I achieved to conquer the marathon. Although I may not be very fast for this marathon (assuming I’ll do another one), I feel mentally strong. I want to dig deeper and see what I’m capable of. I didn’t believe in myself with art and it took me too long to find that confidence. I don’t want to wait years to believe in myself to run 26.2 miles. I’m ready to learn more about what my body needs to stay strong, and how to let it rest when it needs to recover.
Terrified as I am, I’m ready to take on the adventure. I also can’t help but feel like a hobbit on its way to Mordor — because remember, I’m a homebody and a comfort creature. Let’s see how this training goes. It’ll be nice to go back and read this post the day before race day. Eighteen weeks from now.
“Nerves are cousin to excitement, and excitement is cousin to gratitude. Pay attention to your nerves: If you feel nervous, it’s a sign that a Very Big Thing is unfolding. Be nervous for how good that thing can be.” - Alexi Pappas